Wedding Jokes and One-Liners by the Famous


The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
(Ann Bancroft)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
(Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards.
(Benjamin Franklin)
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
(Evan Esar)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
(Henry Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'.
(Henry Youngman)
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
(Rita Rudner)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
(Phyllis Diller)
All marriages are mixed marriages.
(Chantel Saperstein)
There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
(Clint Eastwood)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
(Henry Youngman)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
(Unknown)
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man's habits, and then complain he's not the man she married?
(Barbara Streisand)
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.
(Maryon Pearson)
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
(Michael de Montaigne)
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
(Lyndon B. Johnson)
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
(Red Skelton)
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
(Unknown)
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
(Oscar Wilde)